Saturday, May 9, 2009
Thoughts of you flooded my mind during training yesterday.
It shuts off my mental abilities to endure pain.
Though I'm happy that I did not gave up during the run. I was about to cry, no... I was crying in my heart. I wanted to shout out loud to relieve my stress, so I did it by shouting and encouraging my team-mates to not give in to the pain in their legs.
This remedy though, is short-lived.
My first time rowing the boat, I should be happy. But my mood wasn't there. Javier and Jia Hao who were in front of me and Terence, keep doing the wrong method of rowing. But I'm glad they did splash the water hard back to me. Every water splash manages to keep me away from thinking about her. I aggressively tackle the water, trying to push the boat forward, channeling all my sorrow down into the reservoir.
Yet again, this remedy is short-lived.
No one notices my dampened mood. Perhaps because I'm forcing out a smile and trying to hide it with a hungry-for-more-training attitude. But I'm glad no one notices. I want to keep the fire in my team up, and not down because I'm down.
Took a shower after training at the nearby toilet with my buddies. The cold water really froze me up, but it just won't freeze my brain. Every single moment, I am constantly thinking about you.
I went to the MacDonald near your house after training. I'm happy that Brandon accompanied me. As I was eating, I quietly mark every single memory that I have of you,and bury at that very place. I was so lost in thoughts, that I carelessly left my shoe bag there at the restuarant. By the time I realise it, I am already in my bus bound for home.
You rob me off my only way to escape thoughts - My Dragon Boat trainings.
You made me feel used - Talking to me when you need something and completely tries to ignore my attempts to talk to you.
But there is nothing else further I can do, since you have decided that he is better and left with him.
I can only wish you happiness, for I love you.
I really do.
From today,
I did not met you before.
I cannot remember who you are.
I have never come across you in my entire life.
You, are out of my life.
I know you won't read this, but if by Fate, that you chance upon this post, I want to tell you this.
I will no longer be there for you, comforting you when you are feeling down or whatsoever.
Im closing my doors to you.
12:53 PM
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Tomorrow's my phase test for haircut.
But just this very moment, in this never-ending battle, I am finally taken down.
At the frontline, with spears aimming straight for my heart. I failed to defend myself, and one got through.
Blood gushing out, my conscious fading.
With one last strength, I grip my spear as tight as I can, and thrust it into the ground. As my remaining strength fades, let me remain standing.
I lost. Yet, whoever loses in this battlefield, wont die. They are locked in an eternal realm, experiencing the very same pain that took their lives away on the battlefield.
I have let you all down, my brothers in arms.
Failed to live on, our oath broken.
Forgive me, my brothers in arms, forgive me for leaving early.
10:05 PM
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
The plane crash landed.
The controls aint functioning, and there has been a fuel leak. I brace myself for impact as I tries to minimise the damage taken from the crash.
*Vvvvrrrooooaaaaammmmhhhh*
It hits the ground hard, despite efforts made to reduce impact. It did not stop. It slides on the ground, smashing into trees and rocks. When everything came to sense, Im covered in blood. The cargo the plane is carrying scatter around the plane. Breathing is hard, vision is blurred.
Completely out of strength, I crawled out of the cockpit, trying to look for survivors. Yet only to realise, there isnt anyone in the plane from the very beginning.
My mission - fly the plane through till the next airport. I remembered clearly... There I was, standing tall and proud beside my beloved plane as many tonnes of cargo are being loaded. Shortly after, I took control of my plane and set off.
Many a times have I transport those cargo safely...
...
...
Not this time, though.
As I went on a search to retreive back the lost cargo, I found a few of them back. Anger, Sorrow, Grief, Hatred, Care, Honour, Chivalry, Brother-in-arms, Friends, Work...
But I lack of one box.
The box - Love.
I panic and begins to ravagely search the entire area. My remaining stamina left is very little. Fearing that I might be attacked, with the remaining material left, I build a somewhat strong fence. Finally, as the wounds and fatigue builds up in me, I close my eyes in this stormy day, in pain and sorrow as I force myself to sleep.
Note--> I bet half of the people I know dont know what im trying to express.
But yeah.
A certain talk with a certain someone as he/she expresses his/her happiness make me realise where I stand, and where my limit can expand, and the very purpose why im brought into this world.
I now know where I stand, and my limits can no longer be expanded. I cried, as the silent night tries its best to guide me to sleep. Yet, I couldnt sleep. The fatigue level is rising till critical zones. Yet, I couldnt sleep. Because I was brought into this world to suffer without a chance to experience a proper happiness, I smiled at someone else's happiness as my heart begins to tear itself apart.
Just give it up.
Stop putting that 'never tired, never angry, never sad, never serious' face mask, just toss it aside.
You just cant take it anymore.
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If the Heaven permits...
Please grant me one wish now...
Let me cry again, tonight.
11:21 PM
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Its the worst.
I simply hate mixed feelings. Right now, I dont feel like doing anything because the things I do when I have mixed feelings, ends up in serious shits.
I dont see where im going - my future I mean...
I have been messing up my practical really badly. I just scored full marks for the recent PCS test. I dont feel the sense of acheivements at all, why?
Dragon Boat. Now I want to question myself.
What is wrong with me today? Why did my shoulders and knees injuries had to come? Where did the mental strength that shut off most of my pain in my joints go? Whatever the heck is happening to me?
I dont know. Lack of sleep? Or was it my muscles did not have the time to rest properly?
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Im going to lecture myself, so if you aint interested in what im lecturing myself about, kindly leave.
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Ng Yong Xiang Gary. (Zero/Yukimura)
You are 18 this year. Look at the mirror and look at your reflection. When you smile, why isnt your reflection smiling? Because the happy mask of your's can no longer take anymore issues life is throwing you.
You really want people to appreciate you for who you are, correct? Apparently, there is none. And when there is none, why must you change yourself so you can just mix with the crowd? Where are your Honor, Love, and Chivalry? Have you been forgetting them?
You know very clearly that in this Era, the three code that you tried your best to obey is impossible to really live by it. Certain times, you have to break it. Does that makes you wish to drop them? Why is it so? Where is that determination I saw in you a few years back?
Time, sorrow, anger, fear, and others things have apparently cornered you. But it is when things go wrong, you musn't quit. This is your toughest period of life you are facing now, with all the emotional stresses and life issues, all the more you musn't quit.
Where is the calm and compose guy I know? He is now drown in sorrow, as tons of emotions are trying to burst open from his already shattered heart. Dont ever forget - When you are calm and compose, you can control your emotions better. Didnt you always say this to people who seek advices from you? Apply it on yourself this time.
Noblesse Oblige. A french word for - Obligations of the Nobles. Nobles are gentlemen, not all though. Various people have deemed you worthy of the title, Noble. But look at yourself now. Where have all those obligations goes? Where have the gentleman in you disappear to?
I have so many more to say, but I will refrain them for now.
So my dearest Gary.
As of this moment where you feels like exploding out everything, can you show me your resolve and keep it under control?
Always remember - Its when things goes wrong, you musn't quit.
Stay Calm,
Stay Compose,
Stay Strong.
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Im a foolish moron, aint I?
12:36 AM
